Watchmen: Abridged

Man, I got into this blogging thing **years** too late. Almost exactly 2 years. 2 years and a few months.

Because this is hilarious!

This is the review, and follow up post, of “Watchmen” by a woman called Debbie Schlussel, a blogger in … (checks blog)… America (hmm, there’s a surprise) who did not like Watchmen, in film or graphic novel* form… Yeah, I think I got that right, she **didn’t** like them. I’m not going to dissect them, partly because I can’t be bothered, partly becasue it hardly seems worth it considering how long ago this was written, but mostly because the irony of a left wing “liberal” who enjoyed that comic dissecting her dissection of left wing liberals who enjoy that comic and their idiotic love of the work, and then for me to call her an idiot… The irony of that is far too great for me to ever comprehend.

No, instead I’m just going to quote some of her posts on the matter and entirely unrelated tropes.

[Before I start, however, I will point out that she does start out with a fair criticism; it was mismarketed as a kids film, and should have been the highest rating in every country. Rape, unconscionable crimes against humanity and the weaponisation of chip pans should have earned it that much. Her interpretation of everything else, though, is priceless.]

“This really isn’t a superhero movie at all. In fact, there was little “superheroing” until after the second hour of this nearly three-hour exercise on defining deviancy down.”

Just Here For Godzilla

“Some on the right are claiming this is a conservative movie… [but] a few lines of dialogue by the character “Rorschach” deriding “liberals and intellectuals” doesn’t excuse the nearly three hours of poison here. In fact, the movie kind of has a peacenik-themed ending and “message” regarding nuclear weapons.”

Moral Guardian

“The lesbian make-out scene, featuring a “superhero,” is bad enough. But then, we see cops looking over their naked, bloodied, dead bodies on a bed, with the words “LESBIAN WHORES,” written in blood on the wall.”

Completely Missing The Point

“The “plot” of this movie–if you can call it a plot–is that there were costumed superheroes in the ’40s and beyond. They grew old, but some of them didn’t.”

To Make A Long Story Short, Completely Missing The Point

“It’s 1985 and Nixon is President. We’ve won in Vietnam. Oh, and Henry Kissinger has a Russian accent. And Ronald Reagan is thinking of running for President in 1988. Wow, isn’t that cool that they got it wrong on purpose? I’m so amazed at this “high-brow art” of deliberately getting dates and timelines wrong, you know, just to be “artistic,” and get the drooling of the critics. That is sooooo genius. Like way totally cool.”

Alternate History, Completely Missing The Point

“Superhero “The Comedian” (a bad Robert Downey, Jr. look-alike) brutally beating and raping another superhero–tis movie concludes that the rape was a good thing b/c the slutty superhero had a slutty superhero daughter from him”

Lawyer-Friendly Cameo, Completely Missing The Point!

“And, yes, you future citizens of “Idiocracy,” it’s a comic book. Quit your pretentious drivel about this being important because it’s a “graphic novel.” Memo to the creators of Richie Rich and Archie: You missed your calling. If only you’d called your product a “graphic novel” and added scenes of Archie raping Betty and Veronica and Jughead sawing off Reggie’s Arms, you’d be in businesss.”


“It’s frankly hilarious to read the arrogance of the ignorami, telling me I don’t have “cultural literacy” because I don’t like a movie based on a comic book promoting rape, torture, and brutal killing.”


It’s that last one that really gets me. It’s just so unintuitive it’s sad. She actually thinks** that the book and film AGREE with what’s going on. She thinks that the film is promoting these things, not just showing a bleak, empty awful world. Allow me to reaffirm that WATCHMEN IS A FILM ABOUT A HORRIBLE PLACE, WHERE EVEN THE “HEROES” ARE PSYCHOPATHS.

This just in; “Apocalypse Now” glorifies war!

This is actually just getting depressing… I’m going to stop this now, and find something more productive than draining cheap laughs from other people’s stupidity.

Have a lolcat, and cheer up.

And for actual fans, have this and this.

* Oh boy, does she love that phrase, “graphic novel”!

** Or thought. I mean, in all fairness, she may have had that brain tumour removed by now. Or she may have grown as a person. I genuinely hope so.


Posted on July 18, 2011, in Politics, Right Wing Nutters in America, Tropes and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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