The Hang of Music: Eternally Yours.

Well, it’s that time of the week again. That time where I’m late for something by at least a day. Two, on this occassion.

This week’s excuse – this album is SO BAD, I felt guilty even listening to it, thus justifying its existence. Really.

You don’t believe me? Have you even heard of Evanescence? This is their debut, “Fallen”. Enjoy!

(FYI, the guy on the video who says “Like If you’re listening to this in 2012 <3″… Seriously man, what the fuck? My excuse is I have to write this review. What about you?)

Quick intro: if you’ve never heard of My Immortal, the most shoddily written and best/worst troll/not-troll fanfic ever, then I officially hate you, and because misery loves company, I challenge you to go make your life a little bit worse by reading it. In the meantime, I’m going to tactfully insert speeling errors into this post, just for you.

If you know what I’m talking about though, the terrible Harry Potter fanfic – where a self-insert OC goes to Hogwarts, makes out with Draco Malfoy and goes to see Good Charlotte at Hogsmeade – was named after track 4 on this album, and Jesus does it show! Much of what I could say about the fanfic I could say about the album. So I will. It’s self-centred, it’s obsessed with its own gothic-ness (goffick-ness), and takes itself way too seriouosly. Oh, and so much melondrama…

But on with the show I guess, and into track one. And my immediate response once track one finished? “Wait, did ‘Going Under’ just end? That’s it?” The track cuts out massively abruptly, with no prior indication of an end. Same with “Everybody’s Fool”, track 3 does the same, and many others. They just stop.Too many of the tracks meander around until they just finish, with no build, and no crescendo. For such a melodramatic band, that is weid and ill-choosen.

My other problem with track one is how much it sounds like the main seagul off this album, “Bring Me To Life”. Despite that being the VERY NEXT SONG. No two songs should sound so samey and similar that I can seque the verse from one into the chorus from the other. None. And yet that is precisely what has happened here. Already i am unhappy, and this is barely 2 tracks in.

Like that guy.

It takes til “Haunted” for me to even hear a ghost of an instrument. OK, that’s a bit unfair – there’s guitare, and a bit of piano, presumably played by Amy Lee herself. But nont of them have any actual memorable riffs. The guitar pounds a few chords, and the piano hit’s plinky plonky keys somewhere at the top when it can be bothered. But were I a musician, I wouldn’t be able to find a specific part of any of the songs which I would want to learn.

Because, lets be honest, the only instrument here is Amy Lee’s voice. No-one cares about anything else. And to be fair, she does have a great voice. It’s really nice. Seriously. But enough to justify and fill a whole album? No.

The only problem I have with her voice is the lyrics she uses it to sing. They are, universally, some of the most irritating lyrics I’ve ever heard.

“You used to captivate me, by ye-our resonating light”

My Immortal

This is the standard of lyrical care and attention to detail that we are looking at, i.e. very little.

“Save me from the nothing I’ve become”

Bring Me To Life

Oh, that’s just too easy. Making fun of that lyric would be like shooting fish in barrels full of fish.

“Without the mask, where will you hide?/Can’t find yourself lost in your lie”

Everybody’s Fool

I still mantain that “Everybody’s Fool” was written with the sole intention of providing people with a soundtrack for those youtube videos where people get clips of their favourite ship, and match them up with the chord changes to emphasis how angsty they are. I’d be amazed if 15 such videos didn’t exist already.

Ah, tourniquet, actually trying for once. Trying to be nightwish, more like. And now, because some music has appeared, I can finally stop waiting, and now listen to the lyrics a little. Only to find them to be hilariously melodramatic and over the top. Any song which thinks that “My God! My Tourniquet!” is not comically over the top is one that has no judgement.

Oh, and of course it’s about suicide. Not just any old dying, but suicide. Note to you all – anyone who spends hours writing not just one but two songs at least about suicide, months practicing them, and longer getting it recorded and released: they aren’t thinking about it seriously.

What was I expecting, though? Really. I’m going to go back to musical nit-picking – at least there there might be some amerlioration and growth across the album.

OK, timne for a jab at music in general, rather than Evanescence in particular: I hate the generic ‘you’ in songs. All songs that address ‘you’ are ultimately about one person that they know. But despite being about an individual who we’ve in all likeliehood never even met, songs that address ‘you’ all end up sounding like they’re meantto be talking to you, the audience. And that can be pretty creepy. We’re supposed to feel like we are these people, but I feel no kinship to them.

But even were all that not true, “Taking Over Me” is just creepy. It’s just such a stalker song that to call it such is to fail to capture exactly how determinated Amy Lee is to find you. I can’t tell if she’s a yandere or a determinator but she’s damn scary. It reminds me of “Whole Wide World” without the charm of the unknown. No, she knows exactly who “you” are, and she’s going to find you. Soon. Very soon indeed.

But now we’ve had enough arctual “music”; now lets go back to the piano bollards that go nowhere. Thanks, “Hello”!

Angsty piano music - you're doing it wrong!

I have to admit that I was surprised by her calling herself a whore in “Farther Away”. Well, more just plain shocked than anything… Why? Why?! Why say that? What could you have done that would need you to say that of yourself? It just seems unneccessary. And I’m going to stop there, because otherwise I’m pandering to her apparent need for attention and interest.

OK, instead of a final paragraph, I’m just going to give you some advice now. Do you want wallowing, despairing, self-pitying emotional torment in your dark rock/metal? Then go listen to some Innerpartysystem. At least they have some good music to go with it. Angsty Muse/Within Temptation songs are also readily availible and ten-a-penny, and they at least have a beat you can hum.Or if you like angsty girls with pianos, as much of the songs are, the Dresden Dolls and Regina Spektor are waiting to welcome you with open arms. But don’t, please don’t turn to Evanescence. This is the Stephanie Meyer of music.*

For all of that, thoguh, “Tourniquet” is still stuck in my head. Maybe I find it’s self centred OTTness amusing. Or maybe I actually like the piano on it. Whichever it is, I want it to stop. Now.

* And no, I refuse to make any further reference to She Who Must Not Be Named, or her spawn.

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Posted on March 4, 2012, in Music, The Hang of Music and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. Reblogged this on jazzykk and commented:
    cool

  2. Shitty review by a shitty person

    HATERS TO THE LEFT!!!!!

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